blahhh

October is here. I love October. It's the start of fall which I like (not the winter though) and I really enjoy Halloween. I really need to lay off Facebook. I'm on way too much and it's becoming destructive. This has just been a rough week and I don't even know why. I'm just not feelin' the love from anyone. I really just feel alone this inexplicably emotional week. I need to keep busy. Busier than I have been because I look into things then drive myself crazy. I don't know if people are changing or if it's my misconception. blahhhhhh. I need to get out of my heeaaaaad. I need my confidence back, not sure where it went.

lossssst

It's been wayyy too long since I've blogged. It won't happen again.

I'm extremely grateful for what I have but I wish I knew my path in life. Maybe we aren't supposed to know. Maybe we're supposed to fly by the seat of our pants. I don't know what I'm good at. I've always been good at physical things like dance, karate etc. But intellectually, I'm not sure what I'm good at. I do know I have to work harder than most people and that's OK. I'm not used to not being good at things so it poses a little bit of a challenge. I know I'm not an intellectual, so I need to work to be one or more of one.

Maybe it's because I grew up as an only child and therefore used to all the attention so a lack thereof makes me feel unloved. Maybe that makes me high maintenance. I don't want to make people aware they are lacking because then it's forced and well who wants to be phonily(made that word up) cared about?

You know, it still gets to me that I wasn't able to say goodbye to my Grandma Rose. Everytime I would come home and see her I was always afraid it was going to be the last because she was so old. But the last time I saw her I didn't treat it like it was the last time I would see her. I mean who could predict it but still.

It's funny how sometimes it feels like every aspect in your life is running on all cylinders. Work, relationships, friendships etc. It seems like only a short period of time when all are going well. Then insecurities creep in, stress and other things come in throwing the finely tuned machine off in some way making it unbalanced. I am grateful that I do have all three, which many people do not.

I think insecurity is a waste of time. If someone doesn't like your craziness, doesn't matter who it is, they can go fuck themselves. I'm learning to be less tolerant as I get older. It's funny how my tune changes from the beginning of this blog from being insecure to fucking them all. That's the beauty of writing. By the time you get to the end, you've already written out your emotions and the release has happened. It really is a beautiful thing. I shouldn't just write blogs when I feel like an emotional basket case. Then again, if Woody Allen came to, perhaps the world would be robbed of his creativity. Maybe my craziness is a beautiful disaster.

Thanks Mood!

I haven't posted in forever I know! I'm slacking big time. I'm watching Project Runway, and I just love Tim Gunn. I'm going to Hungary in April! I'm pretty excited. It's some place I'd never thought I would go. I'll give more details when I find them out. I went to Florida for Labor Day weekend and had a great time. Pictures are posted on Facebook :).

I love the smell of crayons. It brings me right back to my childhood. I love when smells bring you back to a certain time and place in your life. I get a stairwell smell on my way to work some morning. It definitely reminds me of when I was younger, but I'm not sure why. I think it smells good.

Ok, off to watch PR!

2009-wish you could but can't forget

2009 hasn't been the best year. You can only ask why so many times. Why do bad things happen to such great people. Perhaps they have a higher purpose, who knows. Whenever a famous person is struck with a terminal or life threatening illness for some reason the same question always pops up in my mind. Would I trade my life with their famous life knowing that I would be struck with such tragedy? Seeing those you're close to or have been a part of your life at some point sick either temporarily or terminally makes you question life. Everyone has to go, but I'm not quite sure how I feel about life. Sometimes I think what's the point, if we're all going to go and no one knows when, why care about the little things or make an effort at some things. Then I think about how great emotions are bad or good. They make you feel alive. I love life, don't get me wrong, this year has just put me in so different positions and question a lot more than I had prepared to. Some people work their entire lives for what? The obvious question is money but really, sitting behind a desk all day to do some mundane task is hardly a way to spend your youth or any time for that matter. Maybe if you were making a difference in peoples lives it would be difference. There would be some redeeming quality in that.

3rd rock from the sun

Why is it that we scroll through tens of pictures of people whose lives wouldn't pique interest if it wasn't a train wreck in motion. Social networks are the enabler for this addiction. Is it to make us feel better about our lives, or is it because the things they do are so absurd you have to look mulitiple times to make sure you aren't being punked. I scroll through peoples lives who I otherwise wouldn't care about just to see the product of their poor life decisions unfold before my eyes. It makes you want to show the pictures to little kids as a cautionary tale. I shouldn't be so judgmental, perhaps I'm an old soul, but it's like watching something that's so obvious to everyone else take place before us with such obvious repercussions. I'm not a betting woman, but if i were, I'd put all my chips in on this one. How is it, that some things are so transparent to most and completely opaque to others. It makes me question if we're all from the same planet.

Ok, I probably shouldn't judge other people.. it is wrong.. I guess people have to live and learn for themselves. Sometimes that can be like reinventing the wheel but then again, you only learn by doing.

Roadrunner

As a twenty-something, I'm always on the search for answers. Mostly about life. Not only am I in the process of figuring it out, but I'm blindly leading my friends as well. Twenty years ago going to see a psychiatrist meant you were a looney tune. Honestly, I don't know how my friends and I got through college without one. Lets face it we all need someone to talk to, but on some occasions friends can only give surface advice. But what if you have no one to talk to? Who do you turn to for advice? How do you know if what you're feeling isn't crazy? I mean well all have our own brand of crazy, but some people don't have a solid family foundation to turn to when times get rough. Friends become their family or in some peoples cases a friend. For me, other than the obvious friends and family, writing and singing are apart of my lifelines.


It's so funny, when I'm in a bad/sad/rotten mood I want to listen to emo music or something that plunges me deeper into that state of mind. Wallowing in whatever is bothering me. You think it would be the opposite and that I would download from itunes the first Cindy Lauper song I could get my hands on. But nope, I choose to wallow. Human behavior is super interesting to me. I can barely figure out my behavior sometimes. At some point in my teens I came to the realization that my parents didn't know everything. Now in my twenties I realize and even now agree with their rules they applied to my childhood. ::gasp:: I've also realized that even though a minute is still 60 seconds and an hour is still sixty minutes ,same as it was during their generation, things are developing at warped speed and not the kind of speed those woodstockers ingested. What I'm trying to get at is that because everything is developing at what feels like 60mph, they have a harder time relating to issues facing a 20 something in today's world.

Still obsessed with the Spring Awakening soundtrack/play. They call their fans The Guilty Ones. I'm definitely guilty of singing the music about 20 times in one day :) Spring Awakening soundtrack: Coming to an el, cubicle, city street, shower near you.

Lucky stars

Thanks Konan for reminding me that I haven't blogged in awhile!

I'm always amazed at how many different ways you can look at life or situations. To some sitting home might be boring but to others it can be a palate of creativity. Goes back to the half empty half full concept. Creating a bucket list isn't a bad idea. I spoke with my professor from school a few days ago and she created one. Every time she was in some sort of funk, she took steps towards making one of her bucket list items happen. To that I say brilliant.

I truly miss my friends and family from home. I also feel ready, ready in my gut to really let myself act. I signed up for an acting for commercials class and I think I'm going to love it. I love the thrill you get when you stand up in front of people and let your guard down.

Life is just better with certain people in it. It sucks having to say goodbye. Really sucks. There comes a point where you do something about it. Make it happen. Because life is too short to be apart. I'm really for going for your dreams right now. I'm not sure what stops people. Fear, nay-sayers etc. Those who don't try are just setting themselves up for failure. The failure of not trying. I think the fear of not doing something is a hundred times worse than that uncomfortable feeling of fear that last for a short period of time. We are all guilty of caving in to our fears. After a great weekend, I'm feeling a little lonely. I shall take advantage of the time and blog and create my own bucket list. I know I was to write a playwrite someday. Ah, I love writing.

Dream a little dream

I believe people are their own worst enemy. I'm guilty of this one. It's easy to be a prisoner in your own mind. Sometimes, I think of great ideas but systematically think of reasons why they won't work out. It's basically failure by pessimism. Setting myself up for failure. There are two kinds of people I've run into when telling them my ideas. Group one encourages me, which is much appreciated and the other group lays the realism on thick which in turn diminishes the dream. I appreciate the honestly, but I need something in between. Someone who will not just stop at encouraging me but will help me find the steps I need to take in order for it to happen. If you ever want to figure out who's a pessimist vs. optimist no need to flat out ask them. Just tell them your dreams and see how they respond. What it comes down to is ignoring all of the reasons you can't do something and avoid divulging information to those who don't believe dreams are achievable. Maybe their a pessimist because their dreams never came true. Or maybe their dreams never came true because they though of every reason why it couldn't happen. What came first, the pessimism or the dream?

I'm starting to think being a realist is destructive. We live reality everyday, our minds should venture off into a child-like state. The state you were in before you realized politics played the lead role in "The Reason You Didn't Get That Part in the Play", had your heart broken, and learned the truth about the tooth fairy. Reality only gets us so far, then what? It's just that little voice in our head holding us back from pursuing our dreams. We make up self-imposed rules that limit us. Trying your dreams out is scary as hell. No one wants to fail. But nothing worth it comes easy. Hmm I wonder what would happen if you combine hard work and dreams? Perhaps a Tim Burton movie. Or perhaps, well stay tuned because I have the guts to take my own advice.

It's got to do with it

So to pick up were I left off previously....

I've made a few observations in my 25 years. Actions and words are two separate entities. They say opposites attract but seeing these two converge almost never occur. There are people out there who say the words I love you to their beau yet show no sign of affection or appreciation. Then there are those that show a plethora of affection and appreciation yet can't utter the words for one reason or another. Both cases let ambiguity run ramped. OK, maybe that's a little extreme, but there's still that level of doubt. My thoughts are this. If you don't love someone, why give them lip service? Has I love you been throw around that easily? Has it become an out-of-habit phrase rather than a meaningful one. You betcha. Now how about those that can't muster up the words. Maybe it's because perhaps they don't love you. Or maybe it's because they are afraid. I dunno, I might side with the book on this one. He's just not that into you if he's not telling you he loves you. It's funny how extreme the spectrum is on this one. Some put all of their weights on this phrase and others let their side of the scale falter. The point is, if you feel that way about someone, say it. And make it count. And if you know that you will never love them for whatever reason, do them a favor and move on. Love is a wonderful feeling and should be shared and expressed. Life is too short to hold it in or waste it on someone who doesn't feel the same way.

I had this poem sounding more poetic in my head at work this morning, but it's 1am here and I'm exhausted so it's more like a stream of consciousness. However piece-ee it is, you all get the gist.

Weird Wired

Well today was an interesting day to say the least. I sat down on the el and rushed for a seat because they are very hard to come by in the morning. In the midst of sitting down I realized the guy sitting next to me had his arm around my seat and had to move it in order for me to sit down which he made very clear, inconvenienced him. I wish I had smEL-o-vision prior to getting on because I could have avoided sitting next to a drunk/high hippy/punk kid. As if the smell of alcohol permiating from him didn't wake me up, his lovely hello consisted of showing me a schizonphrenic ad and mumbling that the sign really speaks to him. So to play along with Crazy, I told him the sign spoke to me too. Then he continued speaking to me the whole ride into the office. Although the retched smell stayed in my nasal cavity well into my first hour of work, the experience was pretty interesting. Not something I would like to happen again however.

If someone doesn't say that they love you does that mean they don't? And if they do why don't they say it? That's the topic for the next blog... stay tuned.

I'm baaack

Sometimes, the lyrics of musical theater have a way of expressing my feelings better than I can. More succinctly anyway. For a year, I'm going to try to write in this everyday. So far, this has been one of the hardest years of my life. From deaths to feeling engulfed in uncertainty. So my best friend Cheryl gave me a great idea tonight. To blog about this year and what goes through the mind of someone in their mid-twenties. I know I'm not the only one facing these issues even though I walk around thinking I invented them so knowing that others have these feelings too make it so much easier. I'm not necessarily looking for answers because I know life usually unveils them when it pleases but maybe I'll find some clarity through this writing process.

I'm an expert at jumping to conclusions and seeking immediate satisfaction. Perhaps I'm continually faced with these issues because I haven't conqoured them yet. I tend to use the same tactics and surprise surprise get the same results. Sometimes I wonder if I'm stuck in this cycle because I don't allow myself to see things differently.

I'm a worrier for those who don't know me. Even though I know worrying doesn't do a damn thing, I do it anyway. I relate it to cigarettes. People know it's bad for them yet they do it anyway, it's addiction. Worrying is too, but without the slight high that nicotine provides. Everyone needs a purpose in life. I'm on the search for mine. Wouldn't it be great to intern at as many jobs as you wanted? Like a career taste test. That way even if you find your passion by doing it you can make a career change fully educated as to what you're getting yourself into. What does it take to be fulfilled?